||[Dec. 8th, 2002|11:20 pm]
The Veritable TechNinja
|||||Mono - Life in Mono||]|
So I'm flipping through channels, and I come across HBO. There's some guy laying on a bed with his wife and a prostitute, talking about his kinky habits. When faced with the realization that her bulbous boobs aren't real, and gets the retort "well, are you 100% real?", he replies "I'm a genuine red-blooded American, through and through". You know what? He's right. The worst part is, he had one of the most preposterous mullets imaginable. Also humorous is how the parking lot outside the cathouse was full of Mercedes-Benz. Clients, and the prostitutes themselves, are all filthy rich. Yes, I'm absolutely terrified of what might happen to me if I am to succeed financially. I'm already affected deeply by the realizations of how my job is tearing the life from me.
I saw a great similarity between our economy and the economics of a cathouse. It's all in how easy it is to convince yourself that getting fucked in the ass is enjoyable and essential to your success. Later, another prostitute explained the semantics and ethics of getting porked for cash, how most girls will do some things and not others, while some will do other things, but not some. In the business world, it's remarkably similar. Some won't establish personal relationships with coworkers and customers, some won't bend in their staunch corporate etiquette. One way or the other, it's the one that offers the most of what the most people want that can retire early, as to have lots and lots of time to go over how those years destroyed them. Then, there are the celebrities, who seem to have overcome all conscience, and can continue to sink without damage to themselves. The question is raised, are they to be considered dead inside? Then, without pride, of what worth is success? I turn a critical eye to them, but then again, I'm an American who just sat around watching a program about prostitutes. Does being able to critique it intellectually exclude me from my own cynicism? No, probably not.
I guess I'm trying to get at how terrified I am of what's happening to me psychologically. My memory is failing, as it's further stressed by amassing acronyms, contacts, procedure, and appointments. I can tell you right now the IP addresses, hostnames, functions, and hardware of all four servers in my building, but I would hesitate before I could tell you the last meal P and I had together. I feel brainwashed. I'm completely at a loss as to how this has happened, as I'm not exactly a man with no free time. Some people juggle much more involved careers, a college education, marriage, and children. Then again, these people terrify me in their lack of depth. I don't want to end up being one of those human husks that blow about the earth, mentally sedate and easily manipulated. Yet, I do want to get ahead in my field, make enough money for P and I to live well, and to be happy. So I am faced with a paradox, a catch 22. Does happiness weigh more heavily in financial stability, or in personal fulfillment?