||[Jul. 8th, 2001|10:57 pm]
The Veritable TechNinja
|||||Olive - You're Not Alone (Nightmares on Wax mix)||]|
I... Can't... Move. I'm in pain even typing this. I just spent all damn day detailing my car. Ray and I were going to pick up the place and do some laundry, but at this point I don't think I could carry anything heavier than a glass of water. But she's perfect, my beautiful Celeste. We fixed her, inside and out. The fuel filter finally gave up, and we tore it out mercilessly. The fresh filter is in place, and the fuel is flowing. I have my power back. She loves it as much as I do.
Much partying did take place, but my heart just wasn't in it. I was hot, and I felt like an accessory. And that Gruv shit doesn't work, I was dragging ass almost as bad as right now. Got to meet Mouse though, finally. The man behind the mask is exactly that. You're the man.
Seeing Carah and Mouse together, however, really got to me. I'm so fucking lonely. I just can't stand this, I'm feeling useless. Sure, I've got my place in life, I'm doing very well for myself. But I'd give it all away to go back to where I was just three years ago, doing it all for the woman I loved, and the woman who loved me. Back then I had a purpose, it all had a purpose. Now I'm just doing it to keep my head above the water. For food in my stomach and a roof over my head, just so I can survive to see tomorrow, another day alone. Sometimes I wonder if being used was ever that bad, I actually felt a lot better about myself when I was putting food in the same mouth that screamed and belittled me every night in the bed we shared. The bed we shared. God damnit, I haven't done a single thing to bring myself up since I've been alone. I guess I've found my lot in life, and I don't have it. Used up and thrown away by someone who can't make it on her own. Being a good person sucks.